she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
