Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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