Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
