I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
