working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
