please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
