I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We left an ass print on the piano.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
