Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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