her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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