Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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