Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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