She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize