Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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