There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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