never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
