Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
