i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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