Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
