I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
