Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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