he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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