How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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