I'm so fucking centered right now
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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