Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
