im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize