I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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