I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's shark week go big or go home
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
