I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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