i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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