Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
