I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
