Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
