i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
