I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize