dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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