i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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