I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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