he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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