So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
