he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
