at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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