She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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