guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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