It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
