I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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