I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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