I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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