i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
