I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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