Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
