I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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