apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
