Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
