At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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