Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Send help, water and tortillas.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize