They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
