When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
