I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
