apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
