My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
