seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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