he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
