It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize