I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
