A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
