So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
And then he peed in my hair
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