i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
