just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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