Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
