It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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