We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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